Former frat star Brad Kavanaght was finally about to become CEO of the multimillion-dollar company he’d inherited from his rich Naperville daddy until standards recently opened up a case for hazing he carried out in 1982.
That’s, like, 36 years postgrad for Brad, if you can do math.
“Frankly, we were embarrassed that this shell of a man met with us and literally threw a tantrum,” said Chuck Parmigiana, head of the standards board for Sigma Alpha Epsilon (SAE). “Some of the losers we meet with every week aren’t even this whiny. Like, ew.”
Kavanaught reportedly broke into hysterics and vehemently denied the allegations against him, despite the substantial proof weighing against him that he had in fact hazed some lowly pledge 36 years prior.
“I mean, he definitely hazed me,” said Chad Van Der Waal, the pledge in question in 1982. “Did all the guys take part in hazing me? Yes, but honestly, Brad can choke.”
With things growing increasingly bleak for Kavanaught, there was little to justify him being such a little pussy during his standards meeting.
“Why wouldn’t I throw a bitch fit after being accused of something that I obviously did?!” Kavanaught continued to scream. “I can’t believe that I, a filthy rich, white former frat star am being targeted for something that everyone could’ve just let go 36 years ago. This is white genocide in action, sheeple!”
Both the standards board and executive members of the SAE fraternity hope that nothing this cringy ever happens again. Ew, ew, ew.
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