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Illini Frat Guy Struggles to Balance Sudden Increase of Minimal Work With Social Life

Beta Kappa fraternity member Luke Bryan received earth-shattering news last week upon discovering that his upcoming two-page paper in Psychology 101 was due in a few days, and was consequently interfering with the robust social life that accompanies being in a UIUC frat.

“I really don’t have the time for all this shit,” Bryan admitted. “My schedule’s already, like, insanely full.”

When asked to provide details about said schedule, Bryan answered that his plans were to slam Blue Guys on Tuesday, go to Wednesday Night Karaoke at Joe’s, and crack open cold ones with the boys on Thursday.

Bryan, who acknowledged that his parents spend hundreds of thousands of dollars a year for him to attend UIUC, reported that there was simply no way he could find the time to write his 500-word paper.

“There’s just no way I can flake on my other plans, man,” Bryan said. “My professors already know where my loyalties lie. It’s bros and hoes above the rest.”

Bryan admitted to feeling a slight sense of guilt in not completing the assignment. However, it didn’t take long for his worries to subside.

“Once you’re halfway through your first Natty Light of the night, nothing else matters,” he insisted. “Assignments come and go, but beer and good times are forever.”

Bryan went on to slur about how he’ll “ace the next assignment” before returning to his drunken state of bliss.

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