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Frat Star Falls into Depression After Beer Bonging Alone All Summer

It’s already been a long summer for Lambda Sigma Alpha member, and beer-bong specialist, Dylan Francis. After nine months of having the support from his brothers while participating in this chugging sport, he didn’t know what to expect without them by his side.

“It just kind of sucks, you know?” explains Francis. “I feel like my chug time isn’t as good without Jimmy calling me a pussy while taking a Snapchat video. Also, holding a beer bong by yourself is harder than it looks.”

Jimmy Wagner, Lambda Sigma Alpha’s top pledge and Francis’s best friend, has also been having bro withdrawals.

“I miss them so much. I feel like I can’t even look at a Natty Light without starting to tear up.” says Wagner while dropping his head into his hands. “Holding our USA beer bong for Dylan was the only thing I looked forward too.”

“None of my friends from home know how to hold it right. There is a correct angle for maximum chug time, and no one in Naperville can get it right.” Francis replies.

It’s only June, and along with the brothers of Lambda Sigma Alpha, most UIUC students are also starting to fall into an early summer depression. Whether it’s from wanting to beer bong at 9 a.m. before block with your homies, or just missing your favorite drug dealer, you can get through this. Stay strong Illini, only 2 ½ more months.

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