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Fraternity Forces Pledges to Watch Reruns of Illini Football Season For Hell Week

The final week before a pledge class of boners initiates into a brotherhood of boners, also known as “Hell Week,” oftentimes involves inhuman treatment that should constitute a violation of the Geneva Conventions. Still, Beta Upsilon Epsilon has caused an uproar of disgust within the Greek community after word got out that they forced their pledge class to watch reruns of the 2017-18 Illini football season during this UIUC Hell Week. 

“They started off by taking us into the basement, which I figured would result in yet another elephant walk; no big deal,” said pledge class president Tanner Hendricks. “But this was sheer agony that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, not even some geed from ISR. We were forced to watch hours and hours of mediocre football. By the end of it, the floor was covered in puke and several guys were curled up against the wall, whimpering, ‘I believe that we will win’ over and over again.”

Beta Upsilon Epsilon had been slow to respond to criticism, but the fraternity’s pledge master, Ethan Barr, was finally reached for comment after awaking from a 3-day, whip-it-fueled bender.

“In hindsight, it may not have been the best idea. I think the worst part of the whole ordeal was that we had them do it sober. Hell, I’ve never even done that, and I’ve been watching the Illini lose since I was 8 years old,” Ethan grumbled. “Anyway, we had nearly half the class drop after the incident, but I could care less. I’m finally getting my communications degree after 6 years and then jumping ship while I still can.”

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