While sororities across campus attempt to recruit freshmen girls to a lifestyle of forgotten Wednesday night and shitty sex behind The Clybourne, you can expect the bars for the next two weeks to be nothing short of a good ol’ fashioned sausage party. While your Monday Night Lion hookup chants the Greek alphabet in the name of sisterhood, here’s a list of the top ten fruits to stick your dick in during UIUC sorority recruitment. Grab a knife, close your eyes, and pretend that you haven’t reached a new low point in your life.
Just edging out the pineapple for the number ten spot is the apple. Pure, ripe, and chock-full of biblical symbolism: what more could you ask for? Admittedly, it’s not the greatest feeling ever, but we know you’ll do it anyway, you sick fuck.
Before you ask, yes a tomato is a fruit, bozo. Some say tomato, others say, “Why did you leave me Jessica the KD 19? I’m so lonely please answer my ‘u up?’ texts.” Sexing a tomato may end in a bit of a sticky situation, but let’s not kid ourselves, it was gonna be a sticky situation either way.
The pumpkin is ripening for the fall harvest, and it’s time to plant your seed. Head over to the Urbana farmer’s market, averting any and all eye contact. Keep in mind that pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks will never taste the same again. The best part is that you can bake it into a creamy (pumpkin) pie afterward!
Cracking the list at number seven is the banana. A crowd favorite, the banana is one of the most widely-used self-pleasuring fruits. Don’t act like you’ve never considered this one before. We recommend peeling the banana first, unless you want your makeshift butt plug to have an extra-snug fit.
Classic choice. You can find these bad boys at Harvest Market– which will also give you the opportunity to tell everyone you know that you shop at the shitty, Champaign version of Whole Foods.
Like most things in life, this fruit was chosen with the maxim “quantity over quality” in mind. Stick a whole bunch in your ass and pull them out slowly, grape by grape, for maximum orgasm.
The lemon is the kinkiest of the fruit on this list– just be careful of the citric acid. Unlike most of the fruits on this list, the lemon does not require any peeling. However, lemons tend to play hard to get, and you’ll have to wine and dine this yellow fruit before takes its peel off.
This subtropical citrus is bitter as hell and makes a squishy noise when you rub your nuts into it. Buy grapefruits in bulk for later convenience, because once you go grapefruit, you never go back.
At number two on this list is the peach. There is a reason why infamous porn stars use this delicacy in their names (Georgia Peach, The Peach Panther, Simone Peach, Peach Flava, etc.) If you prefer no hair in the fruit you plan on sticking your dick into, we recommend choosing a nectarine instead.
The number one fruit to stick your dick into during UIUC recruitment is without a doubt the watermelon. This one was a no-brainer: she thicccccc. Make sure that the melon has seeds, so that the seed-sharing is mutual.