While most buildings at UIUC — yes, even the Armory — have undergone renovations to appear more modern, one building has been left behind. Taft-Van Doren, easily Illinois’ most repulsive dorm, hasn’t changed a bit since being built in 1957. Living in the same room that your grandpa lived in at TVD back in the ‘60s will give you something to bond over when he’s not making racist jokes at Thanksgiving dinner. Here are 7 things that haven’t changed since your grandpa was sleeping ASS NAKED in your bed at TVD.
7.) The Chairs in the Lobby:
The TVD lobby is home to socially awkward freshmen looking to make college friends who share their interest of hanging out in the lobby. From your grandpa’s floor meetings to the condom demonstrations you’ll be forced to watch in the lobby, these torn couches have seen it all.
6.) The Quality of its Residents:
TVD has never been an LLC, so its residents are a lower tier of people, like communication majors and club sport athletes. Even though your grandpa was both of these things, you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
5.) The Missing Doors on the Bathroom Stalls:
With all of its bathrooms lacking urinals, some wonderful TVD tenant once decided to rip off two bathroom stall doors to renovate them into quasi-urinals — a toilet that doesn’t have a seat or a door. Since your grandpa wasn’t shy about swinging his dong around in public, you shouldn’t be either.
4.) The Wooden Desk and Bed:
While every other dorm on campus has traded in its wooden desk and bed combo for something more modern, TVD is stuck in the past, making splinters a huge issue for its residents. If you look closely at your desk, you can see a carving in the desk of a girl’s phone number your grandpa was smashing in the 60s.
3.) The Vomit in the Shower:
University Housing claims dorms are cleaned daily, but that doesn’t explain why your grandpa’s crusty vomit, that appears to be a mix of sweet corn and mid-20th century whiskey, has been sitting the shower for decades. Carry on your family’s legacy by ceremoniously stepping in the puke when you take your first shower of the year. Shower shoes are optional.
2.) The ROTC Waking You Up:
Props to the ROTC kids for waking up at the ass-crack of dawn to do pull-ups and go on a morning jog. It’s just that this morning jog always involves running around the perimeter of TVD while chanting loud battle cries. Forget about setting your iPhone alarm to “Despacito,” or in your grandpa’s case, Joey Dee’s “Ya Ya” on his record player, because your real alarm is the ROTC.
1.) The Lack of Air Conditioning:
While the students in Wassaja are pampered with spacious 15’x10’ rooms and lobbies with HDTVs, the unlucky students at TVD have yet to experience air conditioning in their ancient dorm. Hopefully, you brought Grandpa’s fan to Champaign this year, because you’re going to need it.
While living in TVD isn’t ideal, it definitely builds character. Hunker down and push through because surviving Taft-Van Doren for nine months is in your blood. If history repeats itself, your own grandchild will be suffering in TVD in 60 years.