Heartwarming: Illini Kim Jong-un Impersonator Went On To Threaten Nuclear War
There’s no question that the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign churns out the leaders of tomorrow. There’s also no question the school’s famed North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un impersonator’s (Class of 2016) post-grad actions and accomplishments is something everyone can be proud of.
“When Kimmy was in Champaign, he frequented Joe’s Brewery often and had one impressive pole routine. We were a little worried he wasn’t going to do anything with his life,” said Matt Davis, a college friend of fake Jong-un. “But seeing him going back home to his regime in North Korea and threaten to nuke Guam and the U.S. mainland destroying us all at a moment’s notice, that is real Illini leadership. You can’t say he didn’t turn himself around after graduation.”
No one is prouder of his humbling journey than the fake Kim Jong-un himself.
“I owe my desire to destroy the world to prove how big my genitals are all to the University of Illinois. The school taught me to never ever give up on your dreams, so I never gave up on building that nuke and starving an entire country,” said fake Jong-un. “To think I almost majored in journalism, ha!”
University of Illinois representatives have yet to acknowledge Jong-un’s successful career, however Jong-un mentioned he will continue to ignore the dozens of phone calls from the University of Illinois Foundation asking for donations.