It’s barn dance szn, which means one of two things: you’ll end up back in your dorm bed unable to remember how you lost your bra but kept your shirt on, or you’ll end up in the smush room at Kappa Beta Sigs wondering how you lost your dignity but kept your shirt on. If you’re trying to hook up at barn dance, you need a hot date (not your cousin) and a discrete place where you can bump uglies without Loretta catching you. This week, two of our writers argue over whether you should get freaky in the woods or get nasty in the porta potty at Farm Lake.
Jungle Fever: Even if Loretta filled the entire nearby pond with Natty Light, you still wouldn’t get my ass to go in those woods, let alone hook up in them. You’re asking for trouble. Do you know what kinds of animals are lurking in that forest? Neither do I, and that’s exactly the problem.
Thomas ‘Paign: It sure as hell ain’t no Tempur-Pedic mattress, but I’d much rather be getting down and dirty in the woods than getting it on in a porta potty. Not only is the smell going to be horrendous, but you’ll also be holding up the line.
Jungle Fever: But that’s the whole point! This way, all of your sorority sisters will know that yous a freak and you’ll earn their respect. Or at least they won’t ask to borrow your lip gloss anymore. Let’s be real– these situations aren’t ideal, but I would rather hold my breath for six minutes than pull twigs out of my crevices for days.
Thomas ‘Paign: Porta potties are incredibly compact, which I guess is fine if you’re trying to have the most boring sex of your life. In the woods, you can be creative and free. Nature and booze-fueled sex are two of the most beautiful things in life, so how could you go wrong by bringing them together?
Jungle Fever: Nature is great when it comes to hiking and canoeing, but keep sex out of it. Sex is for indoor areas. You have sex in the Murphy’s bathroom stall all the time, so what’s the difference between that and a porta potty? Both smell like cheap beer and regret, and at least you don’t have to hold onto a damp branch to keep from falling in the mud.
Thomas ‘Paign: Oh, so you think you’re better than the hundreds of thousands of other species that have sex in nature? Give me a break! When things are getting hot and heavy at barn dance, I’d rather be outside where it’s nice and cool, rather than trapped inside a dumpster full of at least 12 different kinds of bodily fluids.
Jungle Fever: But I have opposable thumbs! I am better than the birds and the bees. You have no guarantee that the woods won’t be 90 degrees with climate change affecting us every day. At least in the porta potty, no one will accidentally peep your coochie once they see that little red occupied sign.
Thomas ‘Paign: I think you’re giving the human race a little too much credit. I mean, we literally dress up and take buses to a barn just to do something we do almost every other night: get drunk. And no one’s going to be able to see you with all that tree coverage. If you hear someone coming, just start yelling that you’re looking for Bigfoot in the woods. They’ll understand.