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How to Not Get Caught Masturbating in College

Okay, freshmen. It’s time to address the elephant in the room. By now, everybody has told you everything you would care to know about surviving college, except for one crucial item: how to make sure nobody catches you jacking off. Don’t worry, The Black Sheep has you covered. 

 

Every fall, thousands of roommates meet at U of I, and as they begin to occupy the same dorm, many think, “Gosh, it’s harder to whack my pud with this guy around.” And these freshmen must figure out, by themselves, how to masturbate stealthily all over again, so we’ve collected pieces of advice from upperclassmen who’ve been there and figured it out all on their own:


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Name: Steve Thompson

Year: Junior

Dorm: FAR

Medical Illness: Chronic Fapper

 

Steve used to live at FAR with a guy who was frequently out and about, so he was granted ample “me time.” But Steve took every precaution before flogging the dolphin. “Obviously you want to lock your door and keep your pants on, and you’ll also want to remember your roommate’s class schedule, of course,” he said. “And don’t wear headphones when you do it. That may sound counter intuitive, but you need your hearing in order to tell when your roommate is unlocking the door.”


 

Name: Tony Shabel

Year: Senior

Dorm: Townsend

Medical Illness: Frequent Phallic Fondling Disorder (FPD)

 

Tony offered a clever, fail-safe solution: “Always have a non-pornographic video ready in another tab on your browser – preferably a video which features a woman screaming or moaning. The idea is to fool your roommate into believing you were watching something else all along, in the event that he returns earlier than expected.”


 

Name: Bobby Feenan

Year: Sophomore

Dorm: Six Pack

Medical Illness: Whacker Disease 

 

It becomes much trickier when you have multiple roommates in a dorm. Bobby used to live with three guys in the Six Pack during his freshman year. He remembers it being highly impractical to burp the worm in the privacy of his room. Thus, Bobby would pleasure himself only in the shower, and he scheduled his showers for when nobody else was likely to be in the communal bathroom – after all, everybody can tell when you’re beating off in the shower.


Name: Agatha Simpson

Year: Senior

Dorm: LAR

Medical Illness: Diamond Dipper Disorder (DDD)

 

Agatha has always been a fan of paddling the pink canoe, but unfortunately, her freshman year roommate was a recluse. She allowed minimal opportunity for Agatha to enjoy solitude in her dorm. “That bitch didn’t give me any time to jill-off in my own dorm,” said Agatha. “Every night, I would take a walk to Mt. Hope Cemetery, where I could be alone with my favorite toy, Mr. Happiness and His Three Speeds to Heaven.”


 

Name: Tom Mills

Year: Junior

Dorm: Allen Hall

Legal Issue: Public Pervert 

 

Some students, as we’ve found out, aren’t quite so concerned about getting caught. Tom is willing to jack-off pretty much wherever: on a bus, on the Quad, inside Grainger during finals week, etc. “I don’t see why there’s so much shame in masturbation. I mean, we all do it, so why should we hide it?” Tom said. “You know, it’s amazing that I haven’t been arrested yet.”

 

There you go, freshmen. You now know how to continue masturbating in college without getting a bad reputation in your dorm or encountering some awkward handshakes. And now that you have this knowledge, you can live the rest of your life pretending that this article didn’t help you immensely in your young adulthood. You’re welcome.

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