According to the Fighting Illini website, the Illini football team appears to be embarking on yet another season in which they will be playing the game of football. Since its inception in 1890, this will be the team’s 124th consecutive year playing the sport for the school, a feat that has surprised next to no one at all. This confirms earlier reports this year that predicted that the football team would indeed play a 2014-2015 season.
This Saturday on August 30, the Illini football team will play their first game at U of I’s own Memorial Stadium against Youngstown State, which appears to be a school that sports a penguin named “Peter” as their mascot. College sports analysts predict that, from a mascot perspective, Youngstown State is looking to have the upper hand in Saturday’s game, since their mascot actually exists.
From a points perspective, the Illini football team could either win or lose. “It’s a tough call, but that’s just the game of football, you know?” said one Champaign analyst as he finished calculations on his abacus. “If Illinois manages to score more points than Youngstown State, they might actually have a shot at winning their first game of the season, I think. However, should they score less than the opposing team, it’s likely that they’ll lose the game. Who knows? But something will happen.”
A loss for Illinois’ football team would be devastating, making it the 514th time that it’s happened in the school’s history, according to Wikipedia.
Still, with all the mumbo-jumbo sports talk going around, both players and fans are excited to bust out the pigskin—a colloquialism for a football, which is made out of leather—and play the All-American sport whose namesake confuses nine out of ten Europeans.
“I’m just really excited to throw that football, you know?” commented starting quarterback Wes Lunt. “Like, we really want to score points against the other team, so throwing the football is integral to some of the key strategies in our playbook this year.” Lunt also mentioned that he was looking forward to his friends on the offensive line to protect him from getting tackled. “Getting tackled in football is really bad,” Lunt cautiously warned. “You don’t want to get tackled.”
Fans also share Lunt’s emotions about the Illini football players getting tackled during this season. “People getting tackled on our team would be the absolute worst!” worried a junior year season ticket holder. “I think I can speak on behalf for the rest of the fans out there that what we all really want is for our football team to win.”
The fans’ collective desire for their football team to win checks out thanks to a recent study conducted by researchers at UCLA confirming that, statistically speaking, fans are more likely to want to see their favorite teams win rather than lose.
Even outside of the players and fans, the pressure is perhaps felt most by Illini football’s head coach, Tim Beckman, who could lose his job if he calls the plays that lead to another losing season.
“When it comes to coaching football, it’s all about making sure your team is made up of better football players than the other team,” advised Beckman through his online gaming headset. “If Youngstown State is out there reading this, you’d better look out, because we really want to win this one.”