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Top 10 Things Every U of I Student Thinks About During Sex

Whether you’re hooking up with a random you met at KAM’s or making sweet love to your long-time partner, every UIUC student has similar thoughts while getting laid. Here are a few examples of some not-so-dirty thoughts you may be having during your sexy time.


10.) “I Wish Antonio’s Didn’t Close Down.”:

Antonio’s being replaced by Cracked was equivalent to the apocalypse for many UIUC students. Don’t feel bad when all you can think about during a hot love-making session is an even hotter slice of delicious, greasy pizza. You’re not the only one.


9.) “The Construction on Green Street is Getting Ridiculous.”:

It seems like every morning when you walk to class, a new construction site has popped up overnight. It’s inconvenient, loud, and certainly dirtier than whatever sex you’re having. If you’re thinking about hammers and nails while you’re getting nailed, you might be an Illinois student.


8.) “I Could Be Listening to a Bad EDM Remix of ‘Wonderwall’ at Red Lion Right Now.”:

Anyone who has drunkenly stumbled into Red Lion knows that their random EDM remixes can be pretty bad, but not quite as bad as shitty sex. It says a lot about your sex life if you’d rather be singing along to a very unnecessary remix of Oasis’ #1 hit from 1995 instead of getting laid.


7.) “I Hope We Don’t Need Plan B from McKinley in the Morning.”:

With possibilities ranging from the condom breaking to an unforeseen weak pullout game, you can’t help but worry about something going wrong during your sexual conquest. But a University of Illinois student won’t fear because free Plan B at McKinley is always here (to save you from teen pregnancy.)


6.) “I Should Throw Myself in Front of a CUMTD Bus.”:

Have you every hooked up with someone who was so bad at sex that you wanted to throw yourself in front of a moving vehicle? We all have, but the free tuition is just a bonus.



5.) “I Hope This Girl is in a Top House.”:

Nothing gets a guy from a top house going like a high ranking on The thought of penetrating a bottom-tier girl makes their dicks go instantly soft.


4.) “If ISU is So Much Better, Then Why Do They Take Buses to Our Bars?”:

Sometimes our minds wander between each thrust. For example, why would anyone travel an hour by bus to party at a campus they claim to hate so much? Only a sexless ISU student can answer that one.


3.) “My Class in Foellinger is More Exciting Than This.”:

Imagine trying not to fall asleep during a 50-minute lecture in Foellinger. Now imagine having sex in the missionary position for just as long. Yikes.


2.) “I Can’t Believe I Paid 10 Dollars for Cover Last Night.”:

The price for cover can be pretty steep at times on U of I’s campus. Sometimes nothing, not even sex, can distract you from your dwindling bank account. You can blame Red Lion and/or Brothers for busting your balls.


1.) “Why Does The Black Sheep Spam All of UIUC’s Facebook Pages?”:

The real question: Why wouldn’t anyone want to get off to some funny and relatable UIUC-specific content? Don’t question it, just whisper, “Spam me, Daddy” into your partner’s ear and watch them climax.

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