The Illinois female population has slowly pushed the boundaries of being “fashionably late” for decades. In a historic act of pure cowardliness and lack of independence, Illinois junior Meg Parker showed up to a Saturday night pregame three days after the scheduled date to avoid being the first one there.
“Well, I didn’t want to show up too early because if Drew was there but Becky wasn’t, I would literally die,” said a frustratingly spineless Parker as she attempted to explain why she was incapable of holding conversation with acquaintances for a mere 20 minutes before her true besties would eventually stop by. “I mean, showing up alone is social suicide!”
Mark Joseph, the senior who was hosting the pregame event for the sixth week in a row with the typical guest list and atrocious alcohol selection, seemed entirely unconcerned by the junior’s delayed appearance. Joseph noted that the party had felt more successful than usual, yet he couldn’t deduce why until Parker’s awkward arrival three days later.
“I knew exactly what was happening the moment I opened my front door on Monday evening to the sight of expertly-applied eyeliner and the odor of mango-flavored Burnett’s on her breath,” admitted the host who was still pondering the fact Parker was even invited to the pregame in the first place. “I don’t think that girl has even gone to the bathroom by herself since middle school.”
While she may have set a new world record for social mediocrity, Parker’s dwindling friend group disclosed that they wouldn’t be surprised or upset if the clingy junior had excuses for being upwards of four days late to next week’s pregame assuming she’s invited back.