Bennet Fuchs, an incoming University of Illinois senior and Political Science major, has lost his cushy internship after playing one-hit wonder Semisonic’s song over his office’s intercom. This past Friday, “Closing Time” could be heard blaring down State Street from the law office of Ashull, Schitz, and Johnson LLC as the intern desperately tried to leave work early.
“I was just trying to beat the crowd to Happy Hour because my flask was already empty and the atmosphere was pretty dismal here,” Fuchs said. “Instead of being surrounded Red Lion babes, I was stuck with women who looked like Phyllis from The Office. I thought this was an equal opportunity employer!”
An impatient Fuches reportedly blasted “Closing Time” via the office aux cord and started screaming at his coworkers to “get off your asses and head to the bars!”
Hugh Ashull, the managing partner of the law firm, expressed great frustration with his intern and explained why he fired him on the spot for engaging in “such shenanigans.”
“We were disappointed to have to terminate Mr. Fuchs’s internship prematurely and…who am I kidding? That kid was a huge prick!” blurted Ashull
“I mean for Christ’s sake he pulled this shit just after 2 p.m. I only hired the kid because his dad works here and I owed him a favor after he helped me out with a, errrrr, business transaction at VIP’s Gentlemen’s Club.”
Fuchs is unsure if he’ll find summer employment, but he plans to continue to put his political science knowledge to use by complaining about how unrealistic House of Cards is, and flipping off the Trump Tower via Snapchat.