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Josh Whitman Excited To Blow Another $21 Million On Continued Mediocrity

After five disappointing seasons, UIUC athletic director Josh Whitman fired the head men’s basketball coach John Groce. However, his one NCAA tournament appearance in five years was not the only reason Whitman decided to end things with Groce.


“Honestly, I needed to start saving money so I can drop another $21 million on a coach,” said Whitman. “I don’t know where I’m getting this money, but my philosophy is that if you pay someone a lot of money, they will somehow make our teams better. Whatever, SOMEHOW.”


UIUC’s newest chancellor has complete support for Whitman and has confidence he will use the extra $21 million wisely.


“Before we fired Groce, I was going to use this $21 million to build three more buildings for the incredible and almighty engineering majors on this campus,” said Chancellor Robert Jones. “When it comes to athletics, I completely disregard the fact the state doesn’t have a budget. The athletic program is important, as it’s the only thing feeding my family this year.”


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Fighting Illini Football coach Lovie Smith was the first coach to receive Whitman’s $21 million paycheck when he signed on to be the school’s coach and is excited for the new men’s basketball coach.


“Whitman really cares about the success of the athletic program,” said Smith. “To pay $21 million to a guy who never won a Super Bowl is simply admirable. I look forward to my Hawaiian vacations with the future coach.”


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