Although many don’t want to admit it, cuffing season is here, and people are desperate to find love before the romantic holidays that celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ and the fact that oil burnt for eight days instead of one. Normal people in need of advice would ask their friends, siblings, or a wise old man sitting on a stoop. UIUC students aren’t normal, though. Thankfully, there was a clause in Coach Lovie Smith’s $21 million contract that states he’s obligated to be a love counselor for University of Illinois students. Lovie has finally arrived for his first shift after a long day of poorly coaching a team, and is ready to answer some virgins’ questions.
I want to ask this girl to my semiformal at Soma next Friday. She’s what you call a “baddie.” Unfortunately, my only interaction with her is me blocking her from getting a drink at the Red Lion main bar because I was nearing my 10th hour of sitting on the extremely small stool. I only got her name after I asked, “Who the hell do you think you are trying to get a drink? This is my bar!” What should I do, Lovie?
Brad and Confused
Dear Brad and Confused,
Hello, I’m Lovie Smith. The head coach of the Fighting Illini football team. Go Illini! Have you tried running the yellow route or running the San Francisco corner route? In my experience, these are two routes I run in order for the team of student-athletes to convert on first downs. It never works. Notice how I said students first. I am contractually obligated to say they are student-athletes. These guys are here for a world-class education in communication and recreation, sport and tourism. I have to say that or Whitman said he wouldn’t shine my head before the games anymore. Hope this helps.
I’ve been talking to this girl on Tinder for weeks and I think I’m ready to ask her out for some coffee. So I grew some balls and typed out the question with my stubby fingers. I hit send and well, nothing has happened. It’s been 24 hours and she hasn’t answered me. What do I do now? Do I double text? Do I just wait?
Hello Wes, how are you? I-L-L! In situations like this, I like to run a zone defense, this is usually how we lose to teams we shouldn’t be losing to, like Indiana. The best thing to do here is to purchase the Butkus Blitz Mini Plan. You can get two tickets to any two football games for the rest of the season. That’s about $40 more on what you would spend on a normal ticket! That would be a bargain if money were an object to me. Hope my advice made sense.
Although Lovie is more fax machine than love machine, he has once again showed us that the school has asked too much of him. He came to collect his $21 million and maintain a mediocre football program. Of course he would be a mediocre love doctor too!