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The Judgmental Map of Buffalo Grove, Illinois

Buffalo Grove is that boring, affluent suburb that’s surrounded by much more affluent suburbs. This doesn’t change the fact that when you say you’re from Buffalo Grove, people instantly roll their eyes and say, “of course you are, you awful person!” These non-Buffalo Grovians don’t know the struggle of living in such an uneventful suburb. Perhaps with this map, you’ll get a better idea on what BG is really like.

Click to enlarge!

2009 Recession Strip Mall:  
Buffalo Grove is home to the saddest strip malls in America. Specifically, the Buffalo Grove Town Center only has four stores filled out of the 15 store spaces available. The Recession has been over for a good amount of time, but apparently the Town Center is still affected by those goons from The Big Short. We’re also pretty sure that Rack’em Up billiards place is a drug front seeing as no one has gone to a pool hall since 1986.

Stoners and Skaters:
It’s hard to imagine why BG built a skate park they knew would just be used by drug dealers and 8th graders in Obey shirts looking to vape and smoke some doobies. The skatepark is stuck in the 90s, boasting a roller rink filled exclusively with 40-year-old men because everyone else’s rollerblades are lost in their basement somewhere. Even the extremely lame BG Days festival won’t stop these stoners and skaters from wiping out while doing stupid ollies during the Labor Day weekend celebration. The skatepark is definitely the place where BG cops get most of their ticket revenue, besides speeding tickets off of Aptakisic Road.

People Who Can’t Afford Lifetime Fitness:
The Buffalo Grove Fitness Center is a state of the art facility built for all 20 people that have memberships there. But ever since Lifetime fitness came Vernon Hills, where they literally wipe your ass after you workout, the BG Fitness Center seems more like your shitty basement treadmill. Now BG fitness center is just the place where you either can’t afford Lifetime or would just rather not have access to water slides and flat screen televisions because you’re a psychopath.

Buffalo Grove is by no means a “fun” suburb, but it’s not all bad. Everyone who grew up in Buffalo Grove should be thankful they got the chance to smoke a lot of weed and be shitty little league baseball players in BGRA.

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