Juuling is like the Cabbage Patch Kids of our generation. Rather than becoming addicted to nicotine the traditional way (cigs), millennials have found a new way to risk their health in an attempt to look cooler. Like cigs, many places have banned juuling due to second-hand smoke. However, that hasn’t stopped students from doing it constantly over the University of Illinois’ campus. And if you’re thinking, “Hey, I ran out of places to Juul,” fear no more. Here are some new and exciting places to desecrate our beautiful campus with your very own Juul.
7.) Champaign’s new and improved Illini Inn:
As University of Illinois’ only campus bar guaranteed to be asbestos-free, mold-free, and bathrooms completely intact (for now), it is the responsibility of the students to break our new toy in by soaking its atmosphere with mint, cool cucumber, and mango Juul smoke. Cigs inside, or go home.
6.) The parking lot of Wingin’ Out:
At this point, Wingin’ Out deserves to be desecrated after years of pretending the bathroom doesn’t work every time bar-goers from Red Lion flock to this establishment for mediocre late-night wings. It’s your own fault that people pee in the parking lot every night. Might as well desecrate it in other ways, like Juul smoke, too.
5.) Directly in front of Bromley:
Giving the freshman a taste of how foggy and hazy the next four years of their lives will be is a huge service to them! They will be socially smoking in the basements of frats and in the beer garden of Red Lion, soon enough. Plus, all of you degenerates have been desecrating Bromley on the regular for years.
4.) The graveyard of Cly’s and Firehaus:
The end of Cly’s and Firehaus has been the most devastating news since Antonio’s was replaced with Cracked…and that was pretty bad. After it’s last week in September, it is our duty as students to pay tribute now and forever. That includes desecrating the fuck out of the high-rise apartment buildings replacing our beloved campus bars.
2.) The couch your dad bought you for your first apartment:
Yes, it’s true; your father sent you away to the University of Illinois just so you could spend Monday through Saturday getting drunk every day, inviting all your friends over for afties, and spending the remainder of the night juuling incessantly until you pass out in just your underwear next to a Hot Pocket. That couch won’t make it through the first year.
1.) Into the mouth of Alma:
If Alma could talk to us, then she would ask for a hit of a Juul used by hundreds of students who probably haven’t been tested for STDs yet this year. You know damn well Alma would take a shotgun kiss like a champ.