Upon returning to campus, University of Illinois students were shocked and dismayed to find popular restaurant Papa D’s closed and empty. Until now, circumstances surrounding the restaurant’s sudden closing have been a mystery. Tony Moretti, owner of Papa D’s, took to the restaurant’s Facebook page to clear up the confusion.
“So I’ve been thinking about this whole ‘impending doom’ thing with North Korea and their nukes and all,” said Moretti, gesticulating frantically. “I want a place to keep the students on this campus safe, no matter how drunk and disorderly they are. And then it came to me. What better place for a nuclear bomb shelter than The Underground bar?”
The Underground is the dive bar located below Papa D’s, and is a popular spot for quirky sorority girls who love chicken strips but also love getting hammered. Moretti predicts that the UG can withstand blasts more powerful than Hiroshima and Nagasaki combined.
“I still work here…I think?” said UG bartender and UIUC junior Rob Donavan. “My boss says we’re only shutting down Papa D’s until the threat of nuclear war passes. He told me that when North Korea bombs us, I’ll still get plenty of tips serving drinks to underage kids in the bomb shelter bar.”
When asked if Donavan was still employed, manager Moretti shrugged his shoulders and returned to packing dry earth against the walls of the Underground bar in an attempt to reduce gamma ray exposure.