It’s graduation season and Champaign is abuzz with excitement. This year students hope the commencement speaker, Nick Offerman, drops some knowledge on the unemployed graduates. The announcement came after a failed year-long campaign to get our most recent Commander-In-Chief, President Barack Obama, to speak at graduation. This week, the editors argue over whether Nick Offerman or Barack Obama would have been the better UIUC commencement speaker.
Diego Manischewitz: Nick Offerman is the perfect commencement speaker for the Class of 2017. He’s an alumnus, so he knows what it’s like to graduate from this above-average state school. If you wanted Obama to speak so bad, you should have campaigned more in Wisconsin and Michigan.
Original Pancake: You think I care enough to campaign in those lousy states with their even lousier schools? Yes, technically, Nick Offerman is an alumnus, but he majored in theater, also known as expensive disappointment. Obama went to Harvard Law School, doesn’t that speak for itself?
Diego Manischewitz: Sure, Harvard Law School is impressive, but isn’t it kind of rude to have a speaker from a school like Harvard that no one from this university would be able to get into? We want a man of the Morrow Plots, not some Washington elitist like Obama.
Original Pancake: Isn’t it sad that a man like Nick Offerman never really left the redneck-filled cornfields of Central Illinois? He does woodworking, doesn’t that just scream Parkland Community College? At least Obama inspires Illini students to leave this flat state.
Diego Manischewitz: Inspiring or not, I promise you Obama wouldn’t put his heart into the speech. I’m pretty sure he’s going to be planning his next drone strike after he tells us the old people of the world are ready to learn from us. Offerman’s only danger to society is splinters from a bench he carves.
Original Pancake: I’m sure Offerman’s ordered a drone strike or two, the liberal media is just keeping it from us. Have you ever heard an Obama speech? They’re so heartfelt that Memorial Stadium would be swept away in a sea of student tears if he spoke here.
Diego Manischewitz: I need you to leave La La Land right now. Sorry to burst your bubble, but Obama doesn’t write his own speeches, and he reads off a teleprompter. Have you seen a Ron Swanson gif? Only Offerman can act that gold.
Original Pancake: Does he act it or does he live it? Ron Swanson is Nick Offerman’s default character because it’s literally just him. Offerman is a theater major who can’t play anyone but himself, while Obama works for the government, making him the equivalent of an Academy Award-winning actor.
Diego Manischewitz: Obama has never been himself as he’s just a puppet of the lobbies that pay him millions of dollars to set an agenda. At least Offerman can be himself and still be relatable to Illini. Has Obama ever been to KAM’s?
Original Pancake: Has Offerman? I doubt he’d drink Blue Guys since he’s a whisky aficionado. His taste in mustaches and expensive drinks make him sound suspiciously like an Urbana townie. Meanwhile, Obama bleeds red, white and Blue Guys.