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Probably Unnecessary: The BIF Adds Valet Parking To Add To Other Pointless Amenities No One Asked For

This past year has come with many new features for UIUC Business Instructional Facility, such as a new name, new students, and a whole new level of pretentiousness. Piling onto the uncalled for heap of amenities, the BIF has introduced a new valet parking feature lot, which in and of itself is kind of extra.

Business student, Garrett DeSposal, recalls the event that made him suggest the BIF add valet parking.

“It happened after I had just finished gelling my hair for my BADM 300 class when the wind on the walk to class blew some of the back strands out of place,” DeSposal said. “After I recovered from PTSD after the traumatic experience, I started driving to class. However, the walk from the BIF parking lot into the building was still too hectic, and, once again, my Old Spice Texturizing Paste couldn’t hold it down.”

Valet attendant Mason Gars, an econ major whose first choice was finance, but didn’t get into the business school, was parking some accounting douchebag’s car in the Gregory Street parking lot when The Black Sheep caught him to ask him about the incident.

“I just watched this guy drive the whole way here from his apartment at Gregory Towers,” says Jars, as he pointed out the single block distance from the apartment building to the parking lot. “It had to have taken more time and effort for him to get his car from his leased spot and drive it here than it would’ve for him to walk.”

While this is mainly just a waste of money, time, and effort for most of the affiliates of the College of Business, it appears the valet parking system is extremely valuable to the a few of the students and faculty.

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