The last time your family saw you, you were some lame, unaffiliated high schooler. With three months of college under your belt, you’re a totally different person. You’ll need to follow these 10 steps in order to prove to your family that attending the University of Illinois has changed you for the better.
10.) Ice Out Any Drink They Give You:
If you automatically ice out every drink they give you, your family will know you drink alcohol. Drinking alcohol is cool since you’re not even 21 yet. And like, you don’t even care!
9.) Look Up Your Greek Affiliation on Greekrank.com With Your Cousins:
Go on greekrank.com, a superficial website rating all the Greek life organizations, to explain to your family how relevant your letters are. Discredit any negative comments by letting your onlookers know that strangers are always more brutal with top houses.
8.) Make Your Grandma Time How Fast it Takes You to Clear Your Plate:
Explain to her that everything in college is a competition, and that academics are hardly involved. Tell her that you can down Sigma Chi hot dogs like no other at Derby Days, so you can eat faster than everyone invited to Thanksgiving, too.
7.) Tell Your Family You Only Play Intramural Sports While Drunk:
Act surprised that there aren’t handles on the sidelines of the pick-up football game in your backyard. Be sure to say, “It’s so weird that people willingly play sports without getting turnt for a philanthropy. I forgot that was a thing.”
6.) Let Your Family Know How Much You Didn’t Miss Them:
Tell them you have a new family now–a pledge family, that is. One that accepts every aspect of you and your degenerate ways, and doesn’t have stupid rules or boundaries like your real family.
5.) JUUL Into as Many Food Items as You Can:
Food just isn’t the same without the smoky, sultry taste of your latest pod encompassing it. You may be your parents’ house, but this is your life and you shouldn’t be forced to engage in any activity without blowing sick clouds with your JUUL.
4.) Wear a Jersey:
Your jersey doesn’t have to represent the team playing on TV, but it definitely has to be extra small. Tell your family how often you wear jerseys, and how you’d never be caught dead without one at Block. The only thing worse than your aunt’s spinach dip is being mistaken for a damn jersey-less geed.
3.) Steal the Aux:
Your knowledge of every word of these EDM remixes will further verify that you do, in fact, party. Your family will assume you’re right up there next to the DJ on Saturday nights at Red Lion.
2.) Explain That You Couldn’t Choose Just One Date to Bring to Thanksgiving:
You could’ve brought a plus-one, but decided against it. Commitment may have been cool when your grandparents were in school, but it’s 2017 now. It’s going to be such a pain to choose between all your potential semiformal dates after break.
1.) Hint at the Fact That You Were Traumatized By Hazing:
Being hazed is the coolest thing that’s ever happened to you, so there’s no way that you can get through this Thanksgiving without mentioning it at least once. Make sure it’s in a lowkey way, though, like mentioning how you had to do 100 whip-its in 100 minutes.