Red Lion to Allow Students to Sell Their Souls Instead of Paying Cover

author-pic at University of Illinois  

The infamous Red Lion in Champaign has recently announced that they will be accepting the souls of students as payment for cover. Compared to $10 cover, bar management claims that a human soul is a small price to pay, as many students struggle financially.

“I think this new policy will be sick for U of I students, and I’m hyped to collect the souls of a bunch of hot chicks,” said Red Lion employee and self-proclaimed “Bouncer of the Year,” Dick Chimney. “I’m not touching any guy’s souls though. That’s gay, bro.”

This new policy has been in the works for over a year now, as students have offered their souls many times in the past. But Red Lion had not yet had the means to collect them until now.

Red Lion plans to collect souls using a new app called “Sould,” which will make the soul extraction and collection process easier for both students and employees. It is still unclear whether or not this transaction is FDA-approved, but students have shown enthusiasm for the new app.

“I could never afford to go out before so this is, like, a really amazing opportunity for me and all my sorority sisters,” said junior Susie Sheets, “Like, it’s just my soul, I can go get a new one whenever I want, right?”

Unfortunately for townies and visitors, the soul-exchange policy is for students only. The policy is expected to take effect in late September, when students’ souls are already crushed by their homework loads.