Scientists Claim UIUC Students Icing Out Main Cause for Climate Change
As the nation gets more divided on the real cause of climate change, scientists released a bombshell study this week in which they claim to know the true perpetrators of global warming.
“The main cause of global warming can be attributed to those idiot University of Illinois students icing out their mixed drinks all over the Red Lion Beer Garden,” said climate change researcher Charles Davis. “They throw perfectly fine ice onto an already dirty bar floor, which only makes the world and their drinks warmer. And all of this is so they can get the most alcohol out of their drink?”
UIUC students had mixed feelings about being named the number one cause of New York City being underwater in 100 years.
“I’m a little bummed that we’re being blamed for the end of the world just because I didn’t want ice in my rum and Coke,” said UIUC junior Sarah Carney. “I just couldn’t bear the thought of being a called a pussy for drinking something with ice in it by frat guys at Block. I think those dying polar bears would understand, right?”
Although scientists are vehemently blaming Illini for causing the worldwide crisis, students find their claims a little contradictory.
“Sure, we’re wasting ice that could have been used for something heathy and useful, we won’t deny that,” said UIUC senior Matt Jones. “But it’s not the most fair thing blaming us for destroying the world when it’s the scientists’ generation who didn’t recycle or take care of the environment. They’re the ones with polar bear blood on their hands.”