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Illinois

Senior in Group Project Amps Up to Fuck Everyone Over

It’s the best time of the year: finals are just around the corner. Getting your final grades murdered by graduating seniors who just don’t give a damn has again become commonplace. Graduating senior Kyle Stevenson is ending the semester strong by not remotely contributing to his Spanish group project.

“It’s obvious he already has a job lined up and could give less of a shit,” said Rachel Bryer, one of the underclassmen in Stevenson’s group project. “I’m honestly just surprised he waited this long to take care of his language requirement.”

Stevenson has reportedly arrived 15 minutes late to class every day for the last two months. He took an additional five minutes to shuffle past desks to get a seat in the back.

“It’s like watching someone fall into a trashcan full of broken glass on Wine Night,” said Laura Dominguez, the course’s TA. “Except the underclassmen are the ones falling and the trashcan is their grade.”

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When Bryer asked the graduating senior if he’d finished the works cited for his slide, he reportedly answered by asking if he knew her from somewhere.

“He can just wing it,” said Brian Murphy, one of Stevenson’s fraternity brothers. “He’s really quick on his feet. I’ve seen him use an apple as a bong.”

The icing on the cake is the edible Stevenson popped in his mouth right before class. He could moon the professor and still graduate, probably.

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