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Snyder Freshman Buying Armfull of Soft Drinks At 57 Definitely Not Drinking Tonight

No one suspected anything when Snyder Hall resident Andrew Skimmer made a freezing cold commute to the Ikenberry Commons at 9 p.m. Wednesday night and left with only three bottles of Minute Maid orange juice.

“Nah, I didn’t think anything of it,” said Philip Moss, an RA at Snyder. “Like, typically kids who go to 57 to buy orange juice on nights where every Illini goes out are using them for chasers, but since the kid’s a resident at Snyder, he’s clearly substance-free like the rest of us.”

Suzanne Murawski, a dining hall employee working the register at 57 at the time said Skimmer didn’t give off any negative vibes when he came to the front of the line with only his three drinks.

“He seemed like a pretty normal kid to me,” Murawski stated. “He even told me to have a good night at the end of the transaction. Therefore, he couldn’t have been like one of those degenerates who’d be consuming alcohol on a college campus.”

Skimmer himself has attested that the suspicious purchase isn’t at all what it seems.

“No, no, you’ve got it all wrong,” Skimmer chuckled nervously. “I just happened to get a craving for exactly three bottles of orange juice. That’s all. My friends and I aren’t about to play King’s Cup and then head to Brothers or anything.”

If the misunderstanding surrounding Skimmer’s drink purchase has taught us anything, it’s that there still exists UIUC students who enjoy fruit juice and don’t just use it to rinse away alcohol’s unpleasant taste.

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