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Sperry-Clad Frat Star Slips and Dies En Route to MNL

Champaign County authorities recovered the frozen corpse of freshman fraternity member Aaron Anderson on Tuesday morning from a snow bank on Third Street. The head trauma responsible for his death appears to be directly linked to his new pair of Sperry Topsiders.

According to his parents, Anderson returned from college “a changed man” over Winter Break. This was most evident in his Christmas list, which was populated by various styles and colors of the iconic boat shoe.

“His father and I protested and told him that we would buy him some in the summer when the weather would be appropriate to wear them,” said Aaron’s mother, Nancy Anderson, through tears. “But Aaron had been recently initiated into his fraternity and insisted he needed them.”

Anderson planned to wear his Sperry’s for the first time at the first MNL of the semester. Unfortunately, his meticulously planned “inaugural night” was cut short. His pledge brother, Ryan Brown, was the last person to speak to Anderson.

“He was making such a big deal about his new shoes. I thought it was weird, because at this point in the year the rest of us had moved on to Timbs. Aaron left the pregame early because they were calling for snow, which terrified him. He told me he wouldn’t have his Sperry’s sullied by anything but the Lion floor, and sprinted out the front door.”

Anderson did not make it far before he slipped on a small patch of ice, falling headfirst onto the sidewalk.

His fraternity brothers lined the outside of the Lion fence with their Sperry’s to create a temporary shrine.

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