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How to Spot Non-Illinoisans During the Champaign Winter

They fly under the radar and disguise themselves as one of us, but they’re not like us. They’re not from here. Every once in a while, a UIUC out of state student will expose themselves during SOC 100 icebreakers, and tell the class they’re from California, Texas or some shit. And everyone thinks to themselves: “Why the fresh fuck would you come here, then?” Here’s how to spot a non-Illinoisan this winter so you can maniacally laugh at their miserable and freezing lives at the University of Illinois.

5.) They’re Overly Bundled Up:
U of I sorority girls are all about layers, but is there such a thing as too many layers? Apparently there is, because once you see someone who resembles the Michelin Man bumbling around the Quad in 30-degree weather, you know they’re not from around here. True Illinoisans will show up to class on the nippiest days clad in Adidas slides and athletic shorts. All the layers on out-of-staters are basically cheating, since they’ll never quite feel the pain we go through every winter…and summer…every season, really.

4.) They’re Not Icing Out Because It’s “Too Cold”:
Um, excuse you? What was that sentence you just uttered? That’s the same type of bullshit sentence as “It’s too cold outside to get ice cream.” Yeah, but you’re inside, you door knob. If someone at KAM’s won’t ice out their Blue Guy because it’s a little chilly, they’re not from around here. Ice it out for them and take off running with their drink, even if it means a little frostbite here and there.

 3.) They Think Snow is “Cool”:
Anyone who is impressed by the dirty snow on campus isn’t from here. Don’t they see the rest of us trudging around like zombies, drinking from flasks on our way to classes in order to keep warm? Snow was “fun” and “cool” and maybe even “pretty” when we were in grade school. That childlike innocence was a passing fad, and we all have Seasonal Affective Disorder now.

2.) They Easily Get Blown Away on Green Street:
Illini know that Green Street is a veritable wind tunnel all year round, but it’s especially dangerous in the wintertime. Locals know to hunker down and put all their weight in their feet, but out-of-staters don’t know this and will walk around light as a feather. If you see someone in many layers being lifted off their feet by a particularly strong gust of wind in front of the HERE apartments, they’re not seasoned Illinois vets.

1.) They Wear Their Jackets to the Bars:
Has a worse decision ever been made than bringing your $200 North Face fleece to Red Lion? Absolutely not, this is the most jackass idea, and even the members of Jackass would never dare attempt it. Locals know that it’s better to freeze to death between bars than to get your coat stolen, barfed on, or dropped in the oozy substance on KAM’s floor. Any non-Illinoisan who brings their expensive-ass Patagonia to Lion deserves to get it pissed on in the Cocktagon.

Use these tips to show naïve and more fortunate non-Illinoisans that you’re perfectly happy with the horribly depressing setting your parents chose for you. You’re a survivor of the flat plains of central Illinois, and they’re the weakest link, goodbye.

 

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