You were really counting on throwing that Facebook post about your elite new summer internship, but alas, the Illinois Research Park still hasn’t responded. You could taste all the likes you were about to get, and how proud everyone would be in the comments, but now you’ve got nothing. Here are ten other things that you can be blessed and humbled to announce to your Facebook friends to distract from your inevtiably future living on the streets:
10.) Your intramural sand volleyball team made it to the playoffs:
Suck it, Business Council. Sorry about that tough loss, but some of us are just born talented. It’d be a smart move for them to just delete their Facebooks completely to avoid potential embarrassment and shame.
9.) You were high key, low key, high key the prettiest one at formal:
You don’t want to be blatant and make those two girls who wore the same dress feel even shittier, but it was obvious that you stole the night. Not too obvious, but still pretty obvious.
8.) You brought the house down at Joe’s Karaoke Night last Wednesday:
You were on at least six other people’s Snap stories. There’s no way anyone couldn’t hold a candle to your rendition of “Hips Don’t Lie.”
7.) The weather:
This is only to be used if you’re desperate. Bringing up Midwest weather is a special kind of conversation weapon, guaranteeing some comments from your aunts and uncles. Make sure your careful with this one.
6.) A relatable post about how stressful finals are:
Sure, you’re a journalism major and don’t even have any finals during finals week, so what? You can still wash down your Adderall with Espresso Royale, and sleep at the UGL just like everybody else. You have a zero tolerance policy for discrimination, and you deserve just as many Facebook likes as the engineers.
5.) Mercury in retrograde:
You have no idea what that means, and none of your Facebook friends know either. But that Cosmo article you read said you can totally blame being a bitch to your roommate on the planets, and you’re just relaying their message to your now-educated friends.
4.) You’ve been making great progress on your summer bod:
Seems like flinging your legs around on the AbCoaster, and watching the Body Pump classes from afar have been doing some good. You’ll want to prepare your friends for the shell-shocking swimsuit pictures you’ll be posting in a couples months.
3.) The meal you cooked yourself for dinner last night:
You may not have cooked in three weeks, and this may just be a rotisserie chicken you just heated up, but cooking is cooking. You bought pink salt at the grocery store yesterday, Gordon Ramsay best be watching his back.
2.) You’re more excited to see your dog than your family:
These posts means you’re equally hilarious, and loving. Facebook loves when people like animals more than actual human beings. You might even go as far as to throw in a picture of your pup for some extra likes.
If your Facebook friends make up a tough crowd, and none of these other posts will get their attention, just tell them you got an internship anyway. Honesty is usually the best policy, except when it comes to social media.
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