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Top 10 Illini Sex Positions

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, The Black Sheep presents the ultimate list of new positions to try in the bedroom… or the Firehaus bathroom, or the alley next to Kam’s, or the Cly’s bathroom, or the alley next to Red Lion, or wherever the magic happens. Forget flowers and chocolate, just worry about pleasing the most important person in your life the closest person who says “yes.” On the most romantic day of the year, who can say where or when the frick-frack will be? All we know is that no Valentine’s Day is complete without mastering these 10 new tricks from the Illini KAMs-a Sutra.


10.) The Illini Football: Start your partner off with ten slow, unenthusiastic thrusts to really lower her hopes of having any form of a good time. Follow up with two fantastic, energetic thrusts to get the excitement up and the blood pumping, granting a small sliver of hope. Finally, disappoint everyone everywhere with one last final wimpy thrust and satisfy nobody.


9.) The Brothers: If you’re into something suitably kinkier (and by that we mean, “Jesus fucking Christ, you sicko”), have your partner unload onto the bottom of your feet. Then walk around barefoot until the stickiness glues your feet to the floor, and you realize there’s no dancefloor in here. In the meantime, consider playing a game of bags or eating dirt-cheap wings.


8.) The Blue Guy: Drink enough KAM’s Blue Guys to thoroughly stain your tongue blue, then 69 it with your partner until both of you could star in a porn remake of The Smurfs. You can do the whole “Papa Smurf/Smurfette” thing too if you want to be weird about it.


7.) The Fat Sandwich: Using ketchup and mayonnaise as lube, wrap your dick in the shell of a mozzarella stick, while rubbing chicken fingers, bacon, and eggs on your shaft. Then cover the monstrosity in a Magnum condom and convince your partner that you can’t graduate without trying it at least once.


6.) The Quad: While lying side-by-side and facing each other about a foot apart, both partners cross arms and legs, reaching toward the other person’s crotch to create two X shapes.


5.)  The Unofficial: Planned up to seven months ahead of time, wake up already dressed in green and start having sex immediately. Have shower sex with a shower beer each for maximum effectiveness, and throughout the rest of the day–including not-so-secretly in class – until you want to pass out from dehydration. Repeat 11 days later on “Official.”


4.) The Jimmy John’s: Freaky fast premature ejaculation. You’ve already done this plenty of times, bud.


3.) The Daily Illini: Loudly announce to your partner every day of the week that you’re coming, only to realize that he/she does not care. That is, unless you start expressing ignorant opinions, in which case your partner should tell you to shut up.


2.) The Morrow Plots: Do whatever you want, the only rule is absolutely under no circumstances are you allowed to go in. No penetration whatsoever. You can admire the foliage from a distance, okay?


1.) The #FuckPhyllis: Any position as long as you’re doing it with Chancellor Wise. Preferably without blankets in your freezing-cold apartment or outside in the snow.


And if you’re looking for some sex toys to complete these positions, we reviewed a ton of them right here. Enjoy!

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