Dammit, it’s 15 minutes to last call already, and you haven’t found a semi-attractive person to go home with yet. Have no fear, lonely patron, for The Black Sheep has developed 10 foolproof sexy moves that will get you shaking on the floor now and in the sheets later, you freak.
10.) The Alma Mater:
Is it just us, or does Alma always look like she’s about to pounce on some major D? Stand still and hold your arms up, the booty will come. She’s also got those statues behind her permanently fixated on her ass, so that open arms, no-judgment approach must work.
9.) DJ Khaled:
Our favorite motivational Snapchatter isn’t the only DJ tonight, because you’ll be getting that Dank Junk. Snap yourself spewing some incoherent bullshit, and in less time than it takes to watch your story you’ll find yourself with a new hunny. Major key. Bless up.
8.) The “Making a Murderer”:
Steven Avery has a glazed look in his eyes and his mouth is always a little open. Make yourself look as innocent as someone who “didn’t commit murder” and watch as mates flock to you. It clearly worked for Avery, who had three girlfriends in prison. Bonus points if you’re Dean Strang, because you’re absolutely getting fucked tonight.
7.) “I’ve Got My Dad’s Amex”:
This line delivers the penis fly trap like no other. It’s music to anyone’s ears when they don’t have to pay for drinks, especially if it’s on the suitor’s rich parent. This move requires no effort, other than defending yourself to your irate father. But, you got laid so who cares?
6.) Netflix and No Chill:
Forget trying to play it cool and naïve like you don’t know what’s going to happen by the end of House of Cards. The enticing promise of Frank Underwood’s velvety voice as background music will get the womb broom sweeping you off your feet back to your apartment.
5.) Blue Steel:
This smoldering hot look will leave your potential slam piece knocked to the floor. This face has intense powers that only those who master it will possess, but don’t be surprised if you find yourself able to deflect a drink thrown at you for staring too long. Keep Derek Zoolander’s legacy alive.
4.) The “Revenant”:
In Leo’s newest movie he gets brutally mauled by a bear and miraculously survives. Channel your inner mama bear and target your prey (mate), and pounce on them. Don’t be too violent but they’ll definitely know you had your eye on them over everyone else.
3.) Crying Drake:
Some people may mistake Drake’s sensitivity as being a “soft little bitch.” Those people are dead wrong. When you hear his sensual voice at the bar next time you’re out, shed some really Drizzy tears and everyone will know how sensitive and caring you are. But unlike Drake don’t cry after you have sex, that’s being too soft.
2.) Offer to Buy Them Drunk Food:
This doesn’t need much of an explanation, because the promise of a Fat MILF fo’ free makes people crazy. You probably won’t want to do anything after that even remotely involves movement, but food > sex any day.
This isn’t so much of a dance move as it is a last-ditch pathetic attempt to get the only other breathing person to go home with you. Look them in the eye, clearly mouth, “you’ll do,” and shrug your shoulders. It worked? Great. Someone else hates themselves almost as much as you do.