Top 10 Signs Your Formal Date Is Actually John Groce In An Ill-Fitting Wig
Finding a date for a spring formal can be stressful enough, but add the possibility that your date might secretly be former Illini basketball coach John Groce and you’ve described pretty much everyone’s worst nightmare. Here’re a few signs that you may have unknowingly agreed to go to formal with John Groce.
10.) The Bars Don’t ID Him:
The bouncer obviously noticed something you didn’t when he let your spring formal date in without even checking his ID. Maybe it was his wrinkles or the look in his eyes that said “I haven’t made the NCAA Tournament since I lost my hair, so don’t even try me.”
9.) He Complains About His 401k Plan:
If you’ve been fake laughing at your date’s jokes about his pension all night, he’s not joking, and he’s over the age of 40. Retirement is not sexy and neither is John Groce.
8.) He Keeps Asking if You Know Anyone Who is Hiring:
If your date’s main conversation topic is his recent unemployment, then he might have just been fired from being the Illinois’ basketball coach. John Groce, and maybe former Chancellor Phyllis Wise, are the only people who would frantically search for a new job at a Greek event.
7.) He Wants to Take You to the State Farm Center After Formal:
If you’re wondering how you didn’t question why your date had a key to the State Farm Center or why he keeps muttering curse words followed by “Fighting Illini basketball,” you might be dating John Groce.
6.) His Wallet is Overflowing With Old Basketball Tickets:
When your date pulls out his wallet and tries to pay for your drunk food with last season’s tickets, that is a clear indicator that he is none other than John Groce. He clearly can’t get over his ex-coaching gig, and you should never take a man who is hung up on his ex to spring formal.
5.) He’s Wearing a Name Tag that Says “Head Coach”:
If your formal date has been un-ironically referring to himself as “head coach” the entire night, then you might be out with John Groce. Unfortunately, this was not just a douchey nickname that his fraternity brothers came up with for him 20-plus years ago.
4.) He Yells Every Word He Says to You:
Yelling “CHUG YOUR F***ING DRINK FASTER!” and “TIME OUT” every time you buy a new drink might seem like your date’s cute yet aggressive way of communicating with you, but it’s really because he’s short-tempered former basketball coach John Groce.
3.) He Tears Up Every Time Someone Brings Up Illini Basketball:
As would anyone who was just publicly fired from a university would be doing, your date was crying all night. It was a clear warning when he excused himself to the men’s room whenever your friends brought up the 2017 basketball season and came back with puffy eyes and an intense look of disappointment.
2.) He’s Wearing a Signature Orange and Blue Striped Tie:
In typical John Groce fashion, your date sported an Illini-themed striped tie to show his support for the university. His poor choice in tie should have revealed his identity right away.
1.) His Wig Came Off During Sex:
The easiest way to know if your date is lying about who he really is is if his wigs comes off in the midst of sexual intercourse. Finding out your date is bald is one thing, but finding out he’s John Groce is a whole different story.