Connect with us
Connect with us

Illinois

Top 10 Ways to Improve Your Resume When You Failed to Get an Internship This Summer, You Fucking Idiot

While your nerdy friends who “study” and “don’t get belligerently drunk every Tuesday at Wine Night” begin their internships at Amazon and Goldman Sachs, you’re returning to the part-time job you swore you weren’t coming back to last year. Don’t worry; here are the top ten ways to improve your resume when you failed to get an internship this summer, you fucking idiot.

10.) Start your own business:
Do you cut your grandparents’ lawn every other Tuesday? Sounds like you founded a lawn care company. Ever bought booze for your neighbor still in high school? Congratulations, you just started a lesion service. Yeah, “entrepreneurship” is easy these days.

9.) Volunteer:
It doesn’t matter if said “volunteering” is driving your sister to softball practice and the only reason you’re doing it is because your mom’s threatening to kick you out again if you don’t. All that matters is you put down that it was for a good cause.

8.) Run a social media account:
Who are you representing? Yourself. Managing your brand is a 24/7 job. If you’ve ever gotten more than ten likes on a tweet, you’re already doing better than most company Twitters. Technically, this is the most honest list item you can smack onto your resume since marketing companies don’t pay their interns.

7.) Use a crazy font:
The best way to make your resume stand out is to make your resume stand out, literally. Haettenschweiler, Bahnschrift Condensed, or if you’re really feeling crazy, Wingdings. Shine on you, crazy diamond.

6.) Cite past accomplishments:
Don’t be afraid to dig deep here. All-state athlete in high school? Sure! Employee of the Month at McDonalds when you were 16? Why not?! Presidential scholar in 4th grade? Fuck it!

5.) Learn another language:
By 2020, more than half of the nation’s children are expected to be part of a minority race or ethnic group. There’s more demand than ever for a bilingual workplace. Plus, you won’t come off quite as cringy when you order your meal in Spanish at your local margarita place.

4.) Put strong communication skills somewhere:
At the beginning, the middle, the end, it doesn’t matter. As long as it’s on there. There is no way to actually measure this, but it fills up white space, and that’s crucial.

3.) Give yourself a management role:
Technically, I’m a lifeguard at a public waterpark, and my direct supervisor is two years younger than me. I’m not letting that crush my ego, though. I consider myself a supervisor of the pool’s patrons. Thus, I feel no shame in writing “management experience” on my resume, and neither should you.

2.) Learn to program:
In today’s economy, HR managers are seeking tech-savvy applicants, especially ones who know how to code. Just kidding, programming is for dweebs and Python can suck my ass. Skip this one.

1.) Straight up lie:
Find a shell company that only exists as a front for seedy billionaires to move their blood money around tax-free. Then, give yourself a fancy sounding role. Chances are, recruiters won’t think twice if they see “financial marketing analyst developer” on a resume.

Continue Reading

More from Illinois

Advertisement
Advertisement
To Top