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Top 10: Ways to Conceal a Boner

Chris Fallon is a U of I sophomore who, like some of his peers, has a penis. Yet, his is different from most: Fallon’s penis will, from time to time, become erect for no obvious reason. This is a rare medical condition for which doctors still have no known cure. It’s an embarrassing problem for Fallon, especially when he’s in public. Fortunately, The Black Sheep has 10 suggestions on how to deal with a stiffy when you’re out and about in Champaign-Urbana.

 

10.) Draw attention away from your boner: The simplest way to keep others’ focus away from your rod is to make them focus on something else. For instance, you can say, “Hey look, everybody. There’s a squirrel!” Squirrels are a reliable source of distraction, and they’re typically within eyesight wherever you go at UIUC.

 

They also don’t look like an erect penis. 

 

9.) Cover it with your overpriced textbook: You can always hide your shame with that engineering textbook you paid $200 at TIS for despite the fact that you didn’t really need to buy it, because you can probably find it online for free, even though pirating textbooks, money-saving as it may be, is illegal and immoral – what were we talking about again? 

 

8.) Give your erection a clever disguise: People won’t laugh at your pitched tent if it looks like something else. Disguise it in a cute way. Put a pair of Groucho Marx glasses on it. Or, better yet, make it wear an Ohio State t-shirt. Most people can’t tell the difference between an Ohio State student and a stiff dick.

 

7.) Place a copy of an administration email over your schlong: That way, nobody will ever bother to look at it. 

 

6.) Stand behind the bell tower on the South Quad: The south bell tower should provide sufficient cover for your man muscle unless you’re really packing meat. But don’t be surprised if a passerby asks, “Is that the McFarland Memorial Bell Tower in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?” 

 

5.) Quickly rub one out in the English Building: Or, on second thought, don’t. What the hell is wrong with you?

 

4.) Kindly ask your boner not to embarrass you: Try to reason with your hard-on. Tell it politely that it’s interfering with your day-to-day life, and ask it to please leave you alone when it’s not needed. If it doesn’t cooperate, tell it that you won’t look at that cute girl with the nice ass at the ARC again until it knocks it off. 

 

3.) Leave campus: You always have the option to take a one-way Suburban Express ride back to home, where you’ll be far away from any U of I students who might judge you. 

 

Don’t even get us started, Mom. 

 

2.) Cut it off: This is a last-resort sort of thing. Or a “I’M FUCKIN’ CRAZY, I’LL DO IT, I SWEAR” sort of thing. 

 

1.) Think about Robert Easter’s leaked nude selfie: If all else fails, there’s the picture of U of I President Robert Easter in his birthday suit, which The Black Sheep has generously provided for you. Such a mental image is sure to tame even the hardest anaconda. Be warned: This technique is recommended only as a measure of pure desperation.

 

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