7 UIUC Majors That Will Land You Your Dream Job of a Barista
7.) Interdisciplinary Studies:
As an interdisciplinary studies major you can choose to study American Civilization, Jewish Studies, Medieval Studies, and Renaissance Studies. You’ll also have the pleasure of answering many “what does that mean?” questions. Impress your interviewer at Dunkin Donuts with your vast knowledge on medieval weapons and how to make your mom cry.
6.) Kinesiology — Physical Education (K-12):
30 years ago, this major wouldn’t even come close to getting you that sweet barista job. However, kids are obese now. You’d think that would ensure that you wouldn’t be a barista, but with Betsy DeVos in charge, only kids that can afford physical trainers will be exercised. The good news is that you can sell Frappuccinos to the fat kids trying to schmooze their way out of running the Pacer Test.
5.) Atmospheric Sciences:
It’s time to accept the fact that you’ll never be attractive enough to be a weatherman/woman. You can try and hit the gym or you can accept your fate and apply to your nearest Starbucks. They’ll love to have you because customers do enjoy making small, meaningless talk about the weather. Give Janet some fun tips about cumulus clouds while serving her a soymilk latte with no whip and Stevia. Thanks, Snodgrass.
4.) Gender and Women’s Studies:
Fight the patriarchy by serving women working in finance hot espressos! You’ll fit in nicely with the Espresso Royale baristas from Urbana once you dye your hair pink. Wow them all with your vast knowledge on the wage gap while you slave together for minimum wage.
Bore your coworkers at Café Paradiso to tears with your Classics degree. After studying archaeology, classical civilization, Greek, or Latin you’ll be overqualified to handle hot coffee. Go one step ahead and earn a degree that will qualify you to teach Latin. Let the customers know how you really feel by writing Latin insults on their to-go cups. The language is dead, and so are your hopes and aspirations.
Your grades might not be high enough to get you into the master’s program and you were too high to pass a drug test. Luckily, you can mumble how you view society to yourself while mopping the bathroom of Aroma Café. As Aristotle would say, “pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work.”
1.) Art History:
You’re not talented enough to design pictures in lattes but you can tell customers who influenced your crappy attempt at a tulip in the foam. You won’t get a tip, but rest assured you opened their mind to the work of Picasso, Monet, and Dali. Your dad may be sending you rent money, but at least you don’t have to buy your own coffee.
Cleaning out the toilets after a homeless man used the bathroom will be a great time to reminisce all those weeklong benders and skipping your 9 a.m.’s. Remember, it’s never too late to switch your major.