This past Monday night outside of Bar Louie in downtown Naperville, a commotion took place. The police were called to the scene by Kelsey Stamer, a Delta Delta Delta ‘19, and the cause of the commotion.
“Hello, police?” shrieked Stamer on the 9-1-1 call recording. “It’s me, the hot blonde girl with the only good spray tan that looks better than every other hot blonde girl with a bad spray tan.” Stamer went on to place a complaint that Bar Louie did not let her cut the line of an estimated 5-6 people, even though she was so clearly hot.
“Are you kidding me?” continued Stamer when the police begrudgingly arrived just to leave five minutes later, “This is, like, discrimination! At Red Lion, the bouncers tell me how hot I am and carry me to the front of the line, ya know?”
After Bar Louie’s bouncer, Tim Gulak, told her to wait her turn in line, Stamer and her fellow blindingly blonde Tri Delts asked him what house he was in.
“House? Uh…I live in a house here in Naperville,” replied Gulak, scratching his bald head in confusion.
“Geed!” Stamer yelled at Gulak before loudly insulting the looks of the middle-aged women ahead of her in line.
“Five-head! Cross-eyed! Muffin top! Split ends!” said Stamer, pointing. “They’ve probably never even had sex in a top frat house elevator before,” she scoffed.
The group of sorority girls left in a huff after hearing that Bar Louie didn’t even have Monster Vodkas or $10 cover.