It’s spring rush, and your options have dwindled due to the limited amount of available frat star spots. With fewer opportunities to impress, you’ll need to be efficient in order to get a bid. Although brotherhood is a safe space where you can feel comfortable being yourself with guys that you’ll be friends with forever, that’s only after you get in. Until then, try out these 10 rush personalities until even you forget that you’re just a socially awkward geed:
10.) Smart Sam:
One of the first questions that you’ll be asked during spring rush is: why didn’t you rush last semester? Let them know that you were focused on your studies, and that this means you’ll be a valuable asset to the frat. They need the GPA boost, you need the friends.
9.) Partier Pat:
Yeah, you didn’t have time to rush fall semester, but that’s because you were too busy fuckin’ raging! Being an incoming freshman at UIUC can be overwhelming with the insane amounts of ways you can flippin’ rage. Now that spring semester has started, though, you’re ready to commit to partying with just one group of like-minded people.
8.) Sporty Saul:
Athletic people are team players, and a frat is basically a team of raging alcoholics who destroy everything in their path. Stress your love for sports and you’ll DEFINITELY hit a home run on the rink. Swish!
7.) Casanova Carl:
Managing to be a ladies man when you’re not having biweekly scheduled events with sorority girls is extremely impressive. Drop hints that you crush puss on the reg, and you’ll be sure to snatch a bid and some sorority snatch in no time.
6.) Brotherhood Bob:
Having a solid group of dudes to hang with constantly has always been important to you. You’ve always considered yourself a good friend, and a brotherhood seems like just the thing your college experience has been missing. Essentially, you wouldn’t be whole human being without being initiated into a homosocial frat. Shed a tear or two to really hit this message home. It’s not gay—you are. You’re happy, finally.
5.) Professional Peter:
Acting professional at the Business Career Fair probably won’t fool anyone, but acting professional at a rush party is bound to fool some meatheads. With one semester of college under your belt, you’ve attained enough skills to pretend like you’ve got your life together. Use this to your advantage to immediately receive a bid, and an internship at one of their dads’ practices.
4.) Cannabis Connor:
You smoke weed! That’s pretty neat. Blowing mad O’s (without coughing all over yourself) is directly proportional to blowing away pledge masters. Don’t let your lungs rest until you snag a bid.
3.) Fratty Frank:
You don’t need this frat; this frat needs YOU. Dress head-to-toe in Vineyard Vines and talk about how much you read Barstool—and not just for the hot sluts! You’re already so fratty that members won’t have to worry about you wearing cargo shorts to Block.
2.) Chill Chad:
Play it cool, like you don’t even want a bid. Playing hard-to-get is how you can come off as out of a frat’s league and, therefore, extremely desirable. Have the brotherhood chase you, not the other way around.
1.) Popular Paul:
Try to remember as many people’s name as possible so you can name drop and say “hi” to randos. This way, you’ll create the illusion that you’re a pretty popular guy, and you’ll have a head start on memorizing members’ names. Hazing will be a breeze once you lock in that bid.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: