While getting ready for her third midterm of September, UIUC nuclear engineering student Carrie Watkins reportedly took a break during her daily cry in the shower to examine several stray hairs protruding from her cleavage.
“At first, I thought the hairs were just strays from my roommate,” Watkins said as she stroked her newly-fuzzy chest. “I always thought that English majors were bushier and, well, just overall more primal, you know? You know.”
After a 3-hour wait at the McKinley Health Clinic, Watkins finally met with a clinician for a brief meeting to discuss how the staff at McKinley is incapable of helping and, honestly, has not successfully diagnosed or treated a student since the 1930s. Upon recommendation, Watkins decided to have the hairs tested at Carle Foundation Hospital where the results came back positive for overexposure to testosterone.
“A 20-credit hour schedule with strictly engineering courses can be detrimental to a female student’s health, specifically with regards to estrogen production,” said Carle dermatologist, Dr. Fern. “The body of a female who is desperate for sex will tend to absorb as much testosterone as possible to compensate for lack of male attention, this is how the chest hair develops. Kind of gross.”
The name of the never-before-seen symptom that plagues Watkins’ rack is now officially recognized by the healthcare community as “Sausage Fest Chest.” Other known health risks include secondhand body odor, starting conversations with “how did you do on yesterday’s quiz,” and an interest in anime. Watkins has officially begun treatment.