This past Tuesday, Wilson Regis, a senior creative writing major at UIUC, led the Illinois Sheriff’s Department to the exact location of an elusive criminal. The Zodiac Killer, infamous for conducting several killings in Northern California during the 1960s and 1970s, was found in a trailer home in the Champaign’s neighboring town of Mahomet.
Regis claims he was able to pinpoint the location of the serial killer by deciphering the graffiti in several bathroom stalls in the English Building.
“Almost all my classes are the English Building, so I figured I’d pass the time between classes by reading over the writing on the walls. At first glance it just looks like a bunch of crudely-drawn cocks and balls, but after I was able to read between the penises, the answer became as clear as day: the Zodiac Killer was here and wrote these codes ” Regis revealed. “The most shocking part of this whole thing is that I found out Ted Cruz wasn’t actually the Zodiac Killer.”
The early-morning raid led to the successful capture of 87-year-old Charles Minchin, who admitted to being the Zodiac Killer and had this to say about his hiding:
“I figured that this is the last place that law enforcement would look for me. Like, who in their right mind would leave California to come to central Illinois?” asked Minchin. “I guess I got a little cocky when I kept writing codes in the university bathrooms, but I have to say, I’m impressed by this kid. You could say he…crapped the code.”