Yesterday it was announced that Max Levchin, the founder of mobile payment service PayPal and 1997 Illinois graduate will be the Class of 2018’s Commencement speaker. Illini are pleased with the news, however many are wary of how we convinced the millionaire to come back to the cornfields to preach. Willing to calm students down, the UIUC administration made a stunning announcement on how they got Levchin.
“Since no one knows how to write a check because we haven’t paid our TAs fairly in over a year, we figured it’d be easier to just Venmo Mr. Moneybags $20,000 to make things easier,” said UIUC Chancellor Robert J. Jones. “I added some emojis in there to lie about how fun, quirky, and progressive we are. Ha ha.”
PayPal has owned Venmo since 2016. Chancellor Jones is just happy someone accepted their Venmo request to speak at commencement in the first place.
“Man, we’ve been Venmoing President Obama every single day, using financial aid money we were supposed to give out the last few years ever since he left office,” said Chancellor Jones. “It’s just kind of annoying he rather go windsurfing and enjoy his personal life instead of acting presidential for another day. He’s had enough time to chill out by now, it’s time to get back to work being our president.”
Levchin will make the Venmo transaction worth it on Saturday, May 12.