The FBI and Champaign County Police Department were quickly notified after word broke that UIUC top-house sister Sasha Femelowski was complicit in the murder of one of her sorority’s cooks. However, pursuit of the suspect slowed to a halt once she changed her last name on Facebook from “Femelowski” to “Ellyn.”
“You’d think that with all the ways the NSA exploits people’s information, it’d be easy to apprehend a murder suspect,” said FBI agent Dale Tzatziki. “Unfortunately, nothing throws off investigation quite like a girl changing her last name to her middle name on Facebook.”
One of Femelowski’s sisters explained that the deception tactic, initially intended to throw off potential employers, has created other advantages for her.
“She’d talked about changing her name on Facebook to ‘Sasha Ellyn’ for when she’d eventually have to look for teaching jobs and didn’t want employers to see her incessant pics at Block,” said fellow sorority sister Teagan Blumenthal. “I never thought she’d do it to avoid capture by the FBI. I’m truly shook.”
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As of now, neither the FBI nor Femelowski’s associates have any leads on the motive of the murder or where she’s headed.
“She hasn’t talked in our group chat in like two days, so we have no idea where she is. She’s a Spanish Education major though, so I’d say she’s already well on her way to Mexico,” said Marissa Benning, another of Femelowski’s sisters.
If nothing else, Femelowski’s means for evading persecution is clever. Saddam Hussein is reportedly in his grave literally quaking.