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UIUC Sorority Sisters Get Matching Anal Bleaches for Sorority Recruitment


Sorority Delta Tau Epsilon is looking forward to this weekend’s first rounds of sorority recruitment and has been prepping ever since Monday for the event. Many physical preparations go into the event, and the sorority is starting from the bottom up.


“Oh my freakin’ gosh! We just want really pretty girls in our house, so we have to look really pretty and look like we have a real sisterhood,” junior Amanda Karr explained. “This is why we decided to get our assholes bleached!”


The girls took a trip to get their nails and assholes done earlier in the week in downtown Champaign, and say that the process was well worth it.


“I felt some tingling down there while it was being done,” said sophomore Sabrina Worth. “But nothing feels better than knowing I have a perfect asshole just in time for recruitment.”


Unfortunately, not all of the sisters felt the same pleasure during the experience


”It feels like a white dragon breathing brown fire every time I poop or have anal sex with my friends-with-benefits,” said junior Charlotte Rondos.


Most of the girls have gone the professional route and decided to be treated by a certified anal bleacher. Some, however, have opted for a more cost-friendly alternative.


“Clarissa is buying all of these home remedies off of Ebay and honestly, the results aren’t quality,“ senior Taylor Rosen said. ”She’s legit turning our house into an embarrassment.”


Rondos seems to be clearly regretting her decision and now her future in the sisterhood is at stake.


“We were supposed to get matching anal bleaches and I cheaped out,” said Rondos. “Now I have to spend even more money to get my asshole professionally done, otherwise, my house might kick me out.””


The girls of Delta Tau Epsilon all agree on the extreme importance a pretty butthole on campus holds.


“After doing some math, we decided around 116% percent more girls will want to join our house,” said sophomore Meghan Courey. “We owe this all to Georgia, our anal bleacher.”


Other sororities are discovering the bleaching trend and may choose to take part for informal recruitment in the fall.


One sorority girl said she will take part in the anal bleaching not just for recruitment, but for the rest of her life. She has already started a punch card with her bleacher.


“I cannot wait until I get to 20 bleaches,” Rachel Wright from Sigma Delta squealed. “Then, I get a whole bleach free!”


The fresh bottoms will be seen as sorority recruitment begins this Friday.

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