Quad Day at UIUC is a glorious, sweaty occasion where students sign up for clubs they’ll never attend and eventually unsubscribe from the ensuing e-mail notifications. Unfortunately, the wholesome nature of the annual event was spoiled by none other than Malika Omar, a sophomore whose antics led to a heinous identity fraud charge.
“I gave her the pitch for five minutes and she seemed super down to join,” said Marissa Owens, a representative of UIUC’s Psychology Club. “Then I peeked at what she wrote down on the sheet and it definitely wasn’t her real name or email.”
Representatives of various other clubs reported the same behavior to campus police. Omar disobeyed the law by disguising herself with pseudonyms like Eileen Dover, Astolia Mann, and Anita Bath on several club registration sheets because she was too timid to give them a simple “no thanks.”
“We were absolutely horrified to hear of this conduct taking place at Quad Day,” said Burt Tolin, deputy sheriff of the campus police. “Identity theft is a crime more serious than making a fake account of Chancellor Bobby Jones on Twitter.”
Thankfully, campus police quickly acted on the threat. They didn’t hesitate to remove Omar from the event and charge her with five counts of identity fraud.
“I don’t get what the big deal is,” cried Omar from her cell at Champaign County Jail. “No, I wasn’t interested in joining those clubs, but what was I supposed to do? Express my disinterest and walk away like a normal person?”
Omar was convicted of the charges brought against her and will be serving a lengthy prison sentence. Here’s hoping she’s learned a lesson in not being direct with other people.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.