Last week, UIUC junior and avid raver Cade Evans changed his employment status on Facebook to promoter at The Canopy Club for all his friends and family to see. Although Evans maintained that his new position was real, he also admitted that he’s really only in it for the molly.
“Don’t get me wrong, the music is alright,” said Evans. “I saw TroyBoi a few weeks ago sober and almost enjoyed myself. But fuck, I just love rolling face.”
Evans’ interest in promoting for the local music venue began after he snorted a particularly strong batch of the drug at a Getter concert this past October.
“Some dude with dreads came up to me and asked if I wanted to take a line off him and I said yeah,” recalled Evans. “I didn’t even know what it was but he seemed pretty lit. I took a key bump and started rolling balls. It was the purest molly I’ve ever taken– even better than the orange tesla I took at Electric Forest two years ago. All I knew after that was that I had to be at this venue more often.”
Friends of Evans were not surprised with the revelation that he was only working for the rolls.
“No shit,” said roommate Paul Cook. “When he told us that he was going to start working for Canopy Club, we all knew it had something to do with drugs. He’s had ‘good vibes only’ as his Instagram bio since sophomore year of high school.”
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