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Underground Cult Gains Momentum: CHAARG Takes Root at UIUC

The unimaginable has happened – a cult Chambana-bred cult has taken root on campus. Referred to as “CHAARG,” the group targets girls who feel guilty about never wanting to exercise, girls who can’t go to the bathroom without their siStErS, girls who have Snapchat streaks of over 100 days, and girls who complain just to hear themselves talk. Once they target these women, a brutal and subversive recruitment process begins.

“We believe in the spirit of working out together,” cult leader Lauren Abrahams explained. “By making incessant Instagram posts about our exercise routine, we’ll achieve a higher level of being. That is, being better than everyone who isn’t part of our organization.”

Their health obsession is said to be attributed to the mob mentality that begins as soon as they pay to join the cult.

“Lauren used to be normal,” the Abrahams’ roommate said. “Now I’m pretty sure she’s hypnotized. We don’t talk about anything except her exercise routine and her new fitness Instagram. I blame CHAARG.”

The cult’s growth has shown no sign of stopping. Before long, there’ll be no female students who simply go to the gym to run on the treadmill. Soon, it’ll all be for the cult, and UIUC will transform to University of Illinois Urbana-CHAARG.


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