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Washed-Up Frat Star Asked To Leave House Immediately For Falling ‘Chill-To-Pull Ratio’

The current residents of Kappa Chi fraternity have sought legal action to remove washed-up frat star Brian Lapp from the house, ending three long years of living amongst empty pizza boxes and used condoms. Despite throwing away three years of his parents’ money on a pitiful academic career, Brian Lapp can’t bring himself to leave the comfort of his frat house.

“I just can’t believe that they’d actually do this to me. I was assistant to the rush chair for two years goddammit!” Brian shrieked, as he took another swig from his handle of raspberry Burnett’s. “I still pay dues, so I don’t see the issue. Nationals only care about getting paid anyway.”

Unbeknownst to Brian however, the court-ordered eviction has little to do with money, and more to do with clout.

“Let’s be real. Brian’s chill-to-pull ratio just isn’t the same. We can’t have him around the house anymore,” explained Kappa Chi president Pete Sweemy. “You can immediately sense his energy whenever he’s about to walk into the room, and it isn’t of the big dick sort.”

Brian has been given two months’ time to vacate the house, and he’ll then be forced to face the real world. With no knowledge on how to live a life without pledge labor, it’ll be interesting to see how far Mr. Lapp makes it in this world.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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