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6 Ways to Get Kicked Out of KAM’s

Everyone’s bound to get kicked out of a bar sooner or later, but here are some things you may want to avoid doing if you don’t want to get kicked out of your favorite Illini bar, KAM’s.

6.) Throw Your KAM’s Mason Jar on the Ground:
On any given night of the week you will find melted ice, 20 different types of spilled liquor, lost IDs, vomit, toxic waste, and even the blood and tears of students on the floor of KAM’s. Is anyone getting kicked out for creating this mess? Nope. Is anyone going to clean it up? Absolutely not. But let one of KAM’s infamous mason jars shatter on the ground and you’ll experience the wrath of those poor souls wearing shirts that look like they were ordered from a state prison.

5.) Request the Infamous “Wonderwall Remix”:
Ask yourself a simple question: have you ever heard bad remixes of songs that should have never been created play at KAM’s? No, you haven’t. Not only would you trigger every person inside that orange and blue building by requesting a Red Lion-esque song, you would be throwing off the balance of top hits and random throwbacks that KAM’s is known for. This betrayal will get you kicked out faster than you can say “Cochrane bar.”

4.) Ask an Employee to Restock the Bathroom with Toilet Paper:
The employees at KAM’s cannot be bothered to provide their customers with basic toiletries, as that is far too much to ask. Don’t even think about insulting them with this unreasonable and selfish request unless you want to be booted out and forced to pee somewhere with doors that actually lock and floors that won’t make you want to throw away your shoes. The bathrooms at KAM’s do not have toilet paper and they never will. Get over it.

3.) Throw a $5 Well in a Bartender’s Face:
Ethically, throwing an overpriced drink in the bartender’s face should be considered a form of justice for all the broke college kids who are forced to pay $5 for bottom-shelf vodka and dirty water. Alas, being the hero we all need and deserve will just result in you being dragged out of KAM’s.

2.) Openly Admit You Don’t Like Blue Guys:
As the cornerstone of KAM’s entire existence, Blue Guys must be respected and appreciated for what they truly are. Even if what they truly are is shitty vodka and a questionable blue raspberry energy drink called “Bam!” These drinks may guarantee you a hangover and a lot of regrets, but unless you want to be thrown out of the bar for slander, you should probably just keep your mouth shut.

1.) Go Behind the Bar and Pretend You’re a Tender:
The bartenders at KAM’s didn’t spend all semester working as doormen, cleaning the bathrooms, and begging every single group chat they’re in to come spend copious amounts of money at their bar battle for someone who doesn’t even work there stand in the spot they rightfully earned. Don’t even think about getting behind that bar unless you want to be thrown into a KAM’s puddle.

Hopefully you aren’t too stupid to do any of these things, but if you are, you can blame it on The Black Sheep.

 

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