University of Illinois group projects season is in full swing. Unfortunately, your group is at best nonexistent and at worst uncooperative. Think of it as a rite of passage. Here are some tips to force your socially inept group mates to attend a group meeting at the UGL.
7.) Make it a meme Facebook event:
A passion for memes unites our generation across gender, race, and creed, and the socially awkward are the most invested of all. To summon your group, rebrand your project meeting as “Naruto Run to UGL Study Spaces” or “Yell ‘I’m Dirty Dan’ on UGL Quiet Floor.” Now that you are speaking their language, your group will flock to you.
6.) Mention a lady friend who needs help with her homework:
At UIUC, computer science and engineering classes run the highest risk of sticking you with socially unaware partners. Girls in these classes are mythical creatures, and when one appears, even the shyest of shut-ins are known to offer their assistance in hopes of courting the lady. Mention you know a pretty lady that needs help with her homework, and your group is sure to show.
5.) Casually mention how much fun you had last night at Murphy’s:
Your socially awkward group members avoid “fratty” bars like the plague, and for good reason—the music is deafening and the clientele can be abrasive. Mention how much more you prefer Murphy’s to any of those douchebag bars, and your group members will warm up to you.
4.) Drop a Rick and Morty reference:
You need a high IQ to understand Rick and Morty. The jokes are subtle, and the show is filled with obscure philosophical ramblings. Those who isolate themselves from the outside world are the only people intelligent enough to enjoy Rick and Morty. Reference, it, and they will know you are one of them.
3.) Threaten to snitch on them:
Nobody likes a snitch, but when it comes to grades, you must be prepared to get that “A” by any means necessary. Although they lack social skills, many shut-ins have impressive GPAs that they take pride in. They will not like you after you threaten to tell your professor that they won’t meet to work on the project, but they will fear you.
2.) Lure them in with chicken tenders:
In the age of widespread neurosis, chicken tenders have emerged as the preferred meal of the anxious. Chicken tenders will remind your group members of a happier time—a time when their only concern was which toy they would receive with their Happy Meal, and not which section they need to present to the class. Bring chicken tenders to the UGL and your group will definitely cooperate.
1.) Pay them in anxiety medication you bought at Canopy Club:
Wouldn’t it be great to relieve your group members of their anxiety for good? Next time you’re seeing the sickest new DJ at Canopy, ask the sketchy dude in the bathroom for Xanax to pay your group members with. In return, they will pledge their loyalty to you and work tirelessly on the project.
Group projects are objectively the worst, and so are group project members, but if you at least snag an average grade, you’ll never have to interact with these losers again. If worse comes to worst, eat all the chicken nugs while you do the entire group project by yourself.