Who You Can Expect to See at the 50 Shades of Grey Premiere

author-pic at University of Illinois  

Out of pent-up sexual frustration, you can expect a sea of single women to flood theaters this year at the 50 Shades of Grey premiere. Since they’re not getting laid, at least they can watch someone else get laid (over, and over, and over). These are the kinds of freaks you’ll see waiting in line:

 

Uncomfortable Couples:
Expect to see a wide variety of couples at the premiere. Many will be on awkward first dates, unbeknownst to the number of penetration scenes in store for the evening. And while one may be hoping that the film’s BDSM theme will inspire their date for some post-movie fun, the other will be blushing and praying their date isn’t expecting anything metal to go up their ass tonight. Some will be regular, more routine couples hoping to find some new ideas for gadgets and gizmos to spice up their life behind closed doors. Regardless of what kind you see, you can guarantee they’ll either be extremely turned on or already have 9-1-1 on speed dial.

 

Leather-Clad Sexual Deviants:
Remember how people would dress up like Harry Potter characters when a new Harry Potter film would premiere? Well, look out for more of these weirdos tonight. Get ready for all kinds of leather-bound, whip-toting, blindfold-wearing, chained-up movie goers. Expect to see lots of masks, muzzles, handcuffs – you name it. If it can legally be worn in public, it will make an appearance in line. This ain’t your dad’s cosplay…

 

Horny Pubescent Boys:
Many people consider 50 Shades of Grey to be pornography because, well… it is. In accordance with the broadcasting of pornography fit for any middle-aged woman yearning for things her husband would never dare do, expect to see a snickering group of teenage boys in attendance. They won’t be able to contain their excitement for finally being able to watch porn in public for all to see, rather than on their couch at home or in Grainger Library, like a normal person.

 

Accidental Patrons:
There will be a large number of patrons who accidentally purchase a ticket for this film – yikes! Realizing it’s Valentine’s Day and wanting to see a movie, there will be many people in attendance who truly don’t comprehend what they’re getting themselves into. Between naïve elderly couples looking for a romance flick, and unknowing (yet pleasantly surprised) groups of middle-aged women celebrating “Galentine’s Day,” there will be a large pile of complaints packing theater mailboxes. Chances are, therefore, you’ll see quite a few people leaving the theater halfway through the film due to discomfort, social anxiety, or simply shock.

 

Your Mom:
No, we’re not even trying to make one of those awful-tier jokes we used to laugh at in middle school. But we’ve got to be honest with you, bud. You caught your mom reading the erotic series in its entirety over the past few winter breaks, so catching the film rendition was a done deal from the start. Whether or not this’ll help with your parents’ marriage is beyond us.

 

So, there you have it, folks. As you gear up for the long-anticipated 50 Shades movie, these are the types of creatures you can expect to see. Of course, don’t let the eccentric audience hinder you from attending this film—we know how badly you (and your friends, your mom, hell, even your grandma) are dying to finally see it. Happy viewing, everyone! Or Valentine’s Day. Whatever.