Why Your State Sucks: Wisconsin

This Saturday, U of I plays the University of Wisconsin-Madison in the Homecoming football game. Both schools are pretty similar when it comes to academic competitiveness, Big Ten sports atmosphere, and even both have some stellar The Black Sheep staffs. However, when it comes to our respective states only one state comes out sucking, only one state comes out on top and that’s Wisconsin. Us Illinoisans will explain to you why Wisconsin sucks and why for that matter alone, the Illini will beat the Wisconsin Badgers this weekend.

Your State: Wisconsin

Your State Nicknames: Dairy State, America’s Breadbasket, Cheese State.

Not a welcoming state for those who are lactose intolerant if you ask us. How inconsiderate.

Your Governor: Scott Walker

We’re talking about the Republican Scott Walker that just attempted to run for the President of the United States and just dropped out of the race because he only got .05% of GOP support to be their candidate. Not even 1%! Yeah, this article is really writing itself at this point.

Your Sports Teams: Milwaukee Brewers, Milwaukee Bucks, and dare we say it…Green Bay Packers.

Man, you guys are good this year (and every goddamn year) and it sucks that your quarterback is in State Farm Commercials, but no one beats the douchey Jay Cutler of the Chicago Bears, just look at him:

Your Budget Crisis: If residents of Wisconsin and Illinois have anything in common, it’s their dwindling funding to state institutions. We’re not kidding; we had to cut our article word counts to save money.

Your State Animal: The Badger

Yeah, we bet you’re super proud of having that raccoon-looking animal as your university mascot and your state animal. Everyone loves an animal that lives in your trashcans.

Your Famous Musician From Wisconsin: Bon Iver

Man, he’s so boring. If you say the name “Bon” out loud, you actually yawn. Try it.

Your Famous People From Wisconsin: Dustin Diamond a.k.a. Screech from Saved By The Bell 

This fact would of not sucked in the early 90s when the show was in its prime, but now it doesn’t. He sucks because he’s scummy and has been arrested for having a switchblade knife in a bar fight. Hearing that fact made us want to say “Timeout!” too.

Your Word To Call A Water Fountain: “Bubbler.”

What the hell is a bubbler? That sounds like what the British call a pop machine and we’re fine with that because the British have wonderful accents. Just call the machine that spits out water a “Water Fountain” like everyone else.

Wisconsin is a subpar state that sucks in every way compared to the “Land of Lincoln,” political corruption, and the exceptional state school that is Illinois.