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Indiana Students Anxiously Await Blocking Drunk Dads’ Call Tonight

BLOOMINGTON — As the World Series approaches tonight, many an IU student are anxiously awaiting a drunk call from their dad. As the Cubs haven’t reached the World Series in over 108 years, and many dads around these parts have been lifelong fans, it’s something they’ve been waiting for since they were just little boys wanting to be big boys. Well, now dads across the nation are big boys, going to drunk dial their sons and daughters in tearful joy/sorrow over the win/loss of their beloved baseball team. 

Ben Shimone, a senior accounting major at IU contemplated calling his dad ahead of the game, so as to avoid a drunk rant about Maddon’s handling of the bullpen. “When my grandma died he just texted me ‘grandma’s dead, funeral is Sunday. Don’t be hungover.'” Ben told The Black Sheep. “But last night after Russell jacked that grand slam he called me crying about how it was finally happening and how he was overcome with emotion. I think I might call him now, and just get it over with.” 

“I’m in 3 group text threads,” started Ben’s girlfriend Sarah, holding up her iPhone. “One with Ben’s family, one with my cousins, and one with my friends here. My phone died in the third inning, and when I got home from Nick’s to plug it in I had 7,000 text messages. The requirements to like tweet, text, and talk about the goddamn game is more stressful than the game itself.” 

While many students appreciate the history being made this series, most — according to dads everywhere, anyway — don’t appreciate the history. “Son, when I was a boy your grandpa took me to Wrigley when I was six and showed me how to be a man, how to piss in public. That was when ballplayers smoked cigarettes and f*cked Marilyn Monroe and back when I was… I was a boy, and then in college, well before June Swoon of ’77-,” a Lafayette dad drunkenly rambled on a 45 minute voicemail last night. 

“Yeah, like I get it, he’s going to die soon and I have my whole life to probably see another World Series since the Cubs are actually good now, but like, get over it dad,” junior bro Hank Owen ranted outside The Alley. “It’s fine you have like nothing to get excited for anymore besides seeing your kids and sports teams succeed and your life is otherwise uneventful and meaningless because all your friends are dead or grown apart, but I have beers to chug and couches to burn. I’ll see you on Thanksgiving or whatever.” 

Whether phones will be answered tonight in the thrills of victory or agony of defeat is up to you, dear readers. But the least you could do is pre-type a few well-meaning texts and gifs to send the old man with a “will call later,” to send after the game. That way you can just call later when he’s either sleeping it off or tomorrow when he’s out raking the yard into a Cubs logo. 

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